Well, I’ve been trying to think of something intelligent to write since, probably, mid December.. resolutions, hopes, fears and what not.. and then January started and it wasn’t the pleasantest start I have to say and I was thinking of writing something about that and then whenever I started, ideas just got blocked in my head. Everyone’s writing about the new year and what they plan to do – or not to do – and, well, I don’t want to be like everyone else, but I know that there comes a time when I have to review what I’ve done and think about what I’m going to do. Usually that comes in September, my personal “new year”, but I think it’s useful to look ahead nonetheless. And I figured I’d try and see where we stand 20 days into the new year.
As I said, it didn’t start out totally well.. a difficult December, a quick uneventful Christmas and then a quiet start.. the first day spent with close friends and family. Lovely little start.. I realized a few things.. that we might not all be together next year.. God, in his graciousness has kept us close all these years but age also has its toll and maybe those closest to us may not be around for yet another year. It’s a fact one has to accept and accept it well and try to make the most of the time one has with those that mean the most to them. However, I also realized that even in the darkest hour when you feel there is no way out and when you start to accept things as they are – or you expect the worst, you find God’s grace showing you that there is a power and a glory more powerful than anything you ever dreamed of, and you are given more time and more opportunities to make use of.
Another thing I became conscious of is that there is always a right time for doing things. You may want something for a long time, but even if you try and pull heaven and earth together, they might not happen. But there will be a time for it to happen if it’s destined for you.. I know I’m being very vague here and I’m really not saying anything that hasn’t been said before time and again, but when it happens to you and you actually “get it” then it all makes so much sense; so much more than reading it in a book or a magazine or a quote somewhere. There really is a time for everything. And I think the time for that little something I’ve been wanting to happen for so long, is starting to emerge now and see the light. And I believe that now is the best time for it to happen and for me to appreciate it.
On another note, it seems that whenever I get sick and take a few days off work, I come up with some personal resolutions or determinations that I feel I should follow. Though I only took 2 days off work, I feel that I have set many things in order. I am resolved to follow better eating habits – gradually and without compromising my old habits too much – because if I do, then it’ll only be a craze of a few weeks and I know I’ll slip back into my old habits again. I decided to move. Get my body moving, that is. It’s no use being stuck in a car 3 hours a day and then stuck in front of a computer 8 hours a day and then slogging on front of the telly for another hour or so and then lying in bed for the remaining 6 or 7 hours of the night. Absolutely no movement at all. This can’t do. I will die an early death if I don’t do something about it. So far, it’s working out well, so we’ll see how it goes.
So, though the year started off on a cautious note, I believe that it’s taking a turn and things are starting to see some light. It rained yesterday and today, and that’s always a good sign. I was returning the other day late at night and turned the radio on Nogoum FM, a station I don’t often listen to, and there I heard a song that bought back so many memories and so much realization.. It’s the song ‘Benlef’ by Baligh Hamdy apparently written for the death of Abd El Halim and sung by many prominent Arab artists. This song used to have a special significance to me. Always associated with my ex – the romantic ex I had fallen in love with fresh out of college. It was recorded on a tape he had made a copy of for me.. and I had cherished that tape. On a side note, I recently stumbled upon that tape, listened to it once, felt it ultimately pretentious and threw it away, chucked it into the bin, simply and without hesitation. But the song is beautiful and I come to the realization full circle now that I don’t feel any anger or any remorse at the incident that was my marriage.
I had felt betrayal, not of a marriage but of a friendship; because he had been my friend – a close friend I had thought. And friends stick out for each other. This one didn’t. Talking me into a marriage he didn’t even feel responsible towards. My anger and frustration towards him was because of that. However, when I was returning home that night last week and when I was listening to that song, I came to a peaceful realization that what happened, happened and it did so for a reason, but now we can close that door and turn our back to it and move on. It’s high time we moved on. If I meet him, I won’t ignore him. I might even stop and say hello. But I’ll move on and from now on I won’t think of it any more.. a closed chapter in my life. There are no hard feelings and shouldn’t be. There’s so much more to live for, and no place for anger.
Times go by and tables turn and people come and go and in the end we’re only memories and I think that we should hold on to the good memories and be happy that they happened and discard the bad and just move on.