It’s this time of year again..
September is always a time for contemplation.. for reminiscence.. people pass away and others move on.. friends always leave for somewhere and I’m always a year older. It’s always a time of ending things or of new beginnings.. usually good beginnings :)
I just discovered last year that I was approaching 35. I hadn’t really realized it till it hit me one day when someone did the actual math.. I had always evaded it – not intentionally – but kind of putting it in that grey blurry area where accuracy is never an issue. Yesterday I was telling someone that it had been 4 years since my divorce.. something didn’t seem right when I said it but it took me another 24 hours to realize that it’s been 5 years, not 4! Another blurry area of my life. 5 years already! And to top this, today I stumbled upon a drawer I decided to clean up.. guess what I found.. a paper bag filled with tidbits of Kuwait. Tiny little reminiscents of those few months, 5 years ago. Little things from Ikea, ribbons that had been used to wrap the sweets for the wedding guests, some lavender scented tea candles, an incense holder, brochures of Kuwait and a few Café’s and restaurants there.. the Tareq Rajab Museum flyer.. the beautiful little museum I discovered 2 days before leaving the country.. coasters from Blue Fig with quotes on them.. I loved collecting quotes.. they used to inspire me.. I look at the coasters from Blue Fig.. “Let us have faith in ourselves, in our intellect, in our staunch spirit. Let us develop respect for all living things. Let us try to replace impatience and intolerance with understanding and compassion. And love.” Jane Goodall (she’s the woman who walked with Gorillas). “Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free.” Chuang Tzu; and “In a mad world, only the mad are sane” Akiro Kurosawa. I look at these now and I wonder whether all these were little signs.. having faith in ourselves and our intellect.. and developing respect for all living things.. letting our mind be free and being as mad as we can be.. people would argue that I was mad to leave a marriage that early.. but it is this madness that saved me.. one of the sanest things I have ever done.
I wonder whether I should throw these things away as I threw everything else that could remind me of that fateful year.. but I decide against it.. one has to remember in order to be thankful for what one has, and in order to be able to overcome whatever lies ahead in the future.. burying one’s head in the ground and telling oneself that everything is the same and that nothing has changed isn’t really helpful. Well, it helps, but it’s not very useful eventually. Besides, they’re really nice things.. the coasters, the tea candles.. the blue and white wrapping strings.. a card or two from Marc and Annheli… good friends who truly cared..
September is a time of change.. a year when I grow older and go through a month or so of reminiscing.. wonder why I’m here, what’s my purpose on this earth and what I have really achieved so far.. it’s always a time when the scales go down with me. I’m in this pensive, quiet mood, rethinking, re-bringing out old thoughts and memories.. it’s not always a pleasant time of the year.. but it’s also almost always filled with hope.. the scales go down but they spring back up again with a lot of anticipation.. a lot of enthusiasm and eagerness to change, to do something new, to begin something.. oftentimes to close things and say ‘enough’! It was in September that I took decisive steps towards my divorce.. that I decided to change my job.. that I’m determined to do so again and it’s in September that I come back from my travels refreshed and renewed.
This year I have new convictions.. new resolutions.. I have to leave my current job and I have to start looking for a new one… I have to decide what I really want to do with my life.. work, study, live abroad, find myself a life companion… (mmm… life companion seems a bit too long-term.. let’s look at immediate stuff.. ‘easy attainable goals’, don’t they say when they talk about time management?).
September is also usually a time when my friends travel abroad to study. A thing I’ve always wanted to do but never really got my bottom off the chair and did anything about it.. sure I contemplated many times.. year after year, some one or two or three of my friends travel every year and year after year I start the process of searching for schools and looking for programs and attempting to apply. I never go through with applications because at a point in time I suddenly stop short and decide not to follow in everyone’s footsteps. I hate doing what everyone else does.. but really.. honestly.. how realistic is that? Let’s see if this year we can do something about this little complex of ours.
September is also a time when the weather changes for the better.. when you start feeling a cool breeze coming in through the windows and the doors.. when you feel that summer may be starting to pack its bags and winter may be approaching.. that’s always a good sign :)
September is a time of renewal.. of refreshment.. of faith and hope and a time of feeling good. It is sometimes a time of sadness.. but sadness cannot last very long.. because one knows that with death there always comes a rebirth.. it’s always around the corner.. never too far away. Leaves fall off trees so that other leaves can grow in their place.. and the leaves are so colourful and so beautiful that there can be no place for sadness.. only hope in a new beginning.
And so with this I bid myself a happy birthday and I hope that this year I manage to accomplish a thing or two I resolve to do.