bebasata

June 8, 2009

Quitting..

Filed under: Uncategorized — by AmiraAK @ 10:24 pm

I’m usually not a quitter.  Or am I?

mmm.. maybe I am after all.  But then I only quit when I know I don’t fit in a certain place and it’s usually for a better or higher opportunity.

Or do I?

Now that I think about it, my whole life has been about leaving places.  I left a secure job that people would kill for to go and work in an NGO with no guarantees.  I left a master’s degree in a field I love to pursue another in a field I had very little knowledge of.  I quit endless other jobs, activities, opportunities, so many relationships.

And yet, I know my limitations.  And I know what I want in life.  I don’t know it when I venture into the thing.. I try and then I discover that it doesn’t work for me and so I leave.

I don’t like to call it quitting then.

Unfortunately, I also have a reputation for running away from things.  But it’s not really running away.  I find that the best way to deal with problems is to go to bed knowing that I’ll wake up in the morning and God will have sorted everything out in His own way.  Things usually actually get sorted out that way, no kidding!

So is it running away?  In the Sound of Music, Maria von Trapp tells Liesel that you can’t run away from life, you have to face it!  I choose to go somewhere far far away until they get sorted out on their own – or at least until I can think clearly enough to be able to take a sound decision.  I have the luxury to travel, or to endeavour on a new quest, take a course that takes up my time, read a book.. things that help me to not focus on the problem or issue at hand.  Does that make me a coward?  It helps me to take on other things that may not be so enchanting and it helps me to take on the toils of life – not that I have many, hamdul’Illah – but at least it makes things easier to deal with.  I need to recharge my battery every now and then and I need to do so away from stress.. usually away from people.  I need to do it on my own.  It gets overwhelming when I have too many things on my plate.  There usually are too many things on my plate.. so I find myself going into cycles of beginnings and then too many activities and then overwhelmness and then stress and then letting go or ending and then calm.

And then we start all over again.

Such is the cycle of my life.

I was thinking actually about that issue of perfection and the pieces of music that I like.. those that soothe me and it suddenly hit me as I was listening to Cavalleria Rusticana this evening that the types of music that I like follow that same scheme.  I don’t know much about classical music or music in general to be able to identify whether or not that is a style or a method.. but there are pieces that go round and round along the same tune while getting higher and more powerful (but always in a calm way). Examples – that I consider examples – is Bach’s Concerto of Two Violins, Cavalleria Rusticana (that piece in the final scene of Godfather III – I don’t know which scene of the opera itself it is), and many of Nyman and Morricone’s works, Beethoven’s Ninth and many of Tchaikovsky’s ballet love scenes.  They revolve around the same theme.. rising and emphasizing rhythm and tempo very subtly, and I think this is what calms me when I’m not in the best of moods.  Some of them are a bit heartbreaking.. like the music of Cinema Paradiso and Million Dollar Baby, at times also the English Patient, The End of the Affair and The Piano, though I’ve become accustomed to The Piano.  I listen to it now ‘in general’ when I want to listen to good music, or when I’m working on something and want something beautiful and subtle in the background.  Coming to think of it, how can it be subtle when the film was so poignant!?  The Hours is another.  Ah.. they rarely do soundtracks these days like they used to.  But that’s another story.. another entry.

I’m barely holding on till my next move!  Am I cursed with this cycle of life, or am I blessed that I know what I’m worth and I know where I stand and I won’t live my life in a place or moment that I know won’t get me anywhere?  And yet my course of life doesn’t seem to be at all linear.. it is in a sense, but in the process it goes round and round like a spring.. I can only hope that in some way, it will resemble what the gymnast does: a series of twirls and somersaults rising high high up in the air and then coming to rest firmly on the ground in a perfect position, arms up, head held high and a beautiful smile upon her face.  A smile that carries all the hard work she’s put into the effort and the amazing result she has accomplished.  I know this running around will somehow, someway lead to something good.  I’m sure of it.  It’s all part of the Master Plan; the Plan that will reveal itself sooner or later.

I know all this is not in vain.

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